We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
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Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?