I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
You Might Also Like
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”