Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
You Might Also Like
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*