What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
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*Inspirational Tweets*
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Erm I’m gonna say no
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.