CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
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Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done