Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
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As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.