“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
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take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”