I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
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me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
“you recording!?”
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.