The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
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a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand