It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
You Might Also Like
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Encore…
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Lmaoo 😂
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Strange
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.