God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
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Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.