I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
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Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs