Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
You Might Also Like
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Happy birthday to all the women
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.