me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
You Might Also Like
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
WWE is French for “yes”
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.