Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
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[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Every work call, he judges.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.