Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
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[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I feel seen