If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
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I can’t deal with men any longer
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
The cake is mightier than the sword.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.