interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
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Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.