Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
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If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
inventing words: clothing
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.