Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
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Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever