I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
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Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.