Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
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Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.