Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
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A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Home is where your toilet is.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.