I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
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We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.