relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
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Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves