I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
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My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Expect the unexporcupine.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
My dog ate my work from home.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.