Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
You Might Also Like
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I’m giving up for Lent.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
no one ever comes back
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus