That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
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where do you see yourself in five years?
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
wtf management?!
boat question
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite