An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
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What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables