A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
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My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die