“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
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Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
“I’m helping” 😅
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.