3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
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I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.