At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
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me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
A fake ID that makes you younger
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*