I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
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A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“