One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
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Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Going to church you guys need anything
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!