Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
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“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN