i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
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Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Oh thanks BBC.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.