Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
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The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
I bet
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Carpe DM
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Guy who likes music
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about