me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
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me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Erm…
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.