Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
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I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.