I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
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During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.