My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
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my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers