The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
You Might Also Like
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
こいつ天才
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.