ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
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Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Good morning.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
yeah 😭
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”