cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
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[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.