Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
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Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.