My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
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Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
True?
And now we wait
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*