This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
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age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together