[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
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Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
happy mother’s day❤️
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for