I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
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Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.